Recovering... from Thanksgiving

So the title pretty much says it all. Basically I don't expect to lose too much weight over the next month but... we never stop trying, right? I think I'll ease out of this food stupor with a diet of 500 calories over the next week. After that is a friggen vacation and weekend-long food encounters/possible binges. Family vacations. Ring any bells? Anyway, that's what I'm in for. Not bad just awkward and slightly depressing I suppose. I guess that's what it means to stay strong.

Begining of holiday season. And thinspo.

I know the holidays haven't officially started quite yet but still... I'm dyin to get to the new year, so I can focus without turkey and gingerbread and peppermint mochas floating around all over the place. And people saying "try this (fatness)" or "taste that (calorie bomb)". I know it's just something we have to get through. But ideally it would be nice to simply work all day, burn calories, and hang out with people on an empty stomach. I used to do that all the time.

I think I got too weird for my friends :/

Anyway. I've been enjoying reading people's blogs and thought I'd write a post of my own. This is what's going through my head at the moment.

HOLY... CRAP... Raining bucketloads and ridiculous thunder. Time for a storm :) Oh and here's some Katy Perry thinspo. I love her style, although not so much her music.

Habits

How many days does it take to form a habit? Around 21 to 66, and that's any habit at all. What is 21 to 66 days in the course of our young lives? Absolutely nothing. I've had EDNOS for alot longer than that. So if you look at it from this perspective, it should seem so very easy.

But in order to form a steady habit effectively, you really have to know what a habit is... Ok I'm pretty sure we all get the jist of it. Although sometimes I do need to mentally sort it out to plan ahead, I'm slow like that. Anyway, if you have the determination and will to do something day after day consistantly for up to 66 days, it will become so routine that you don't even need to think about it in order to do it anymore. It just becomes a customary thing in your life. Mindless starving. Effortless.

An absolute promise that all of us can be the girl we strive to be.

11/14/10

STRENGTH. Don't quite have it down anymore but I plan to get it back. We're so powerful. We deserve to be, don't we?

Some thinspo...

just because I felt like it.

11/8/10

Ok so... weekdays :)

Good Good Good. I haven't eaten yet but I'm planning on around 200 for the day. So glad to be back in the driver's seat and controlling all my food.

However, My siblings are over (the ones I don't quite like as much) and I hear talk of a pizza. Hmmm... I DON'T THINK SO. Send vibes to banish away their pizza yearnings. Please, it would be much appriciated. I won't have trouble saying no but I am worried that they won't accept that answer. Screw their judgement. I'm in charge of myself.

Always.

Apparently weekends are not the best time to have an ED.

Even when you've perfected control, when you own it, when it's so habitual you don't even need to think about it... others can take it away from you. The hard part is it's usually the people you love.

Today was just... one of those days where you eat to please someone. Crap. Wasn't too bad I guess, but of course it wasn't fun. I know I have to SEEM normal about food, or else I won't be able to do this in the long run- they will get too suspicious. We don't want that, do we?

BUT I WAS NOT HUNGRY ALL DAY LONG. I WAS DOING WELL. This conflict between family and skinny breaks my heart. I couldn't throw up because they've caught on to that before, thanks to my intrusive brother. So I've just taken a few laxatives and probably one more in the morning. Bleh. Now I have to build up the strength all over again.

Positive guilt

On my feet ALL DAY LONG (good thing, not a bad thing) so, except in the morning, I had pretty much no time to even pay a thought toward food. I started out at the food bank, bagging vegetables. Yes, I do community service for fun, I'm kind of a freak that way. And I just kept thinking, I am doing a good thing. I don't deserve food... but some people do. They're the ones who've gone without. They're the ones who didn't have a choice. Walking around here, putting my limbs to use, burning these calories... it's not only for me. It's for them.

I sometimes think survivor's guilt is a contributing factor in why I do what I do. A long time ago, I did service work in another country and I was not prepared for the experience. I've seen poverty and, truly, it changes you. That was before any of this. Sometimes I wonder...

11/5/10

Today's intake:

-Steamed mixed veggies

-Unsweetened apple sauce

I love going to bed successful. The weakness and acheyness are not so great but, OH how satisfying is the twisting in my stomach. My insides reach out and feel around for food that isn't there. And it's not there because of me.

:)

I know we all have times like this. These times need to be appriciated... just as much as we loath the bad times, if not more. I feel like things can get cloudy in my mind when this is all I think about, and I have to remind myself to keep it simple- Restriction, good. Gorging, bad. Overthinking gray areas always lead to failure. In my case anyway.

Current goal deadline: Thanksgiving

Restriction is going pretty well lately. It always seems easier when the weather's cold, probably because I'm happier and can enjoy it more. I like rain. Foggy, muddy clouds and a biting breeze. Love it. So, barely eating these days is not only fun and do-able, but preferable! Yay. I'd love to do some major damage before Thanksgiving. THAT would be something to be thankful for. I feel like I can't ever enjoy the holidays unless I'm satisfied with my body. Cellulite spoils everything.

In the Begining.

I honestly don't care if anybody reads this. This is for me.
However, should it be read, I only hope it brings comfort, encouragement, understanding, delight, and most of all- motivation.
So here we go.